life

Second Semester Neglect: An Update

As you can probably see, I’ve been away from the blog for a while and as you could probably read from the title, this is my apology and update for y’all!

First let me start off by saying that second semester kicked my butt. Come to think of it, second semester kicked everybody’s butt. I was so busy with engineering projects and homework that I barely had enough energy at the end of each day to crawl into bed. True story. Towards February, I was diagnosed with severe depression and nothing in my life seemed to make me happy. I started talking to a therapist, Rachel, and bless her heart, she listened to me talk for an hour each and every time I came to see her. She helped me figure things out, but talking to her wasn’t enough to make a change in my life. I didn’t want to tell anybody about it, not even my closest friends. But as I discovered, it’s easier to talk about it and let people in. All my friends were so supportive and a lot of them had dealt or were dealing with something similar. It’s amazing the amount of love I felt from everyone. A few weeks ago, I summed up the courage to tell my mom about it, and she took it hard. To this day she tells me that she wishes I had come to her sooner. In all honesty, I was afraid to, because I didn’t want her (and my father) to think I couldn’t handle myself at school. But they have proven to be supportive and loving like everyone else and for that I am thankful. My biggest supporter in all of this has been my boyfriend, and y’all let me just tell you it is no easy thing to be there and get most of the backlash from someone severely depressed. He must love me a whole awful lot because he was there for me every step of the way. ❤

In all of that, I discovered that my unhappiness stemmed from engineering and why would I want to stick with something that doesn’t make me happy? I decided to change majors and now I am a double major in Management with two concentrations and Finance. I am so looking forward to next year!

I am now home in California with my family for the summer, and am on the hunt for an apartment for next year. I have found one that I am in love with that is close to campus and friends. It’s a four bedroom, four bathroom, so I get to live with three roommates! It’s brand new and fully furnished and I cannot express how excited I am to live there (well, hopefully).

Until next time,

K.

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Where do I Even Begin

Have you ever walked into a room and felt at home? Have you ever walked into a room and felt you didn’t belong? Have you ever walked into a room and felt both? At the same time? Because I have. Today, when we were inducting our new pledge class, I walked into a chapter room full of sorority sisters. I scanned their faces for someone I knew a bit better than a stranger. Eyes looked up at me from the floor where they were sitting. I found a sister in the far corner and went to join her. I sat down and that was pretty much it. I sat silent, looking around the room at my sisters, laughing, talking with each other. How I wanted someone, anyone to start talking to me. I sat there amongst a sea of what was a family here to me at school and I felt so alone. I felt so out of the loop, so unimportant. I don’t live near any of the girls in my pledge class. I’m not one for partying, going out or drinking. So I get skipped over, forgotten almost. When I’m around my sisters in an environment where there is a fun environment, I can put myself out there more and be happy and laugh along with the rest of them, like last night. I was the champion of the three legged race and made my sisters laugh because of the jokes and dumb things I said.

I woke up this morning and looked at my phone, at the text message I had missed and the name of who was calling me at such an early hour (8:40 am, way too early for me). I hit ignore and wanted so badly to go back to sleep, but sadly I couldn’t. I had to be at the sorority house by 9 and my ride was going to be at my dorm in 5 minutes. Once at the house, I sat in the kitchen and saw my sisters sitting around talking, waiting for the induction to get underway. I tried talking to my sisters, but felt little connection, so I sat by myself, texting C and praying he would answer (I knew he wouldn’t because of the three hour time difference between us).

My sisters mean the world to me and I would do anything for them. At the same time though, I feel like I’m so disconnected from them, from everyone. I don’t know if it’s just the rain, the cold weather, or the distance between me and those I love, but I can’t help but feel like an outsider. Sisters have asked what’s going on and I give them all the same answer: I’m just tired. And they leave it at that. Some sisters I have told about my not really eating or sleeping, and they’ve checked in with me to make sure I’m actually okay. Again, I just say that I’m tired.

It’s like I’ve lost my passion. I decided not to go to my sorority Crush Dance on the 15th for many reasons: 1. I hate dancing 2. My date is in California (C. this is you!), 3. I asked my friend Jake to go with me as a friend, but I knew it wouldn’t be fair to him to be there with me, when I really didn’t want to be there in the first place. I didn’t get excited about bid night, about bringing in a new pledge class to our house, about induction. I didn’t sign up to do crafts with the new girls, I didn’t sign up to be a mentor to the new girls, I didn’t even want to stay at the house after induction. Yet here I sit, in the sorority kitchen, listening country music, writing a blog post, only because I felt that being here was an obligation. I view most things as obligations lately, which is horrible. The only thing that sounds fun to me is being alone in my room where I can watch Netflix and Skype C. I’ve gotten used to being alone, so it doesn’t really bother me anymore. In fact, I think I prefer it.

Have a great Saturday!

Xoxo,

K.

There’s One In Every Family

Every family has that one person that always nags them, that always tells you how poorly you’re doing yet they sing the praises of everyone else. They are egocentric, long-winded and don’t like taking no for an answer. They like to tell you how to live your life because they think you’re doing it wrong. I’m sure by now, someone’s name has popped in your head and you’re remembering how much you hate being seated next to grandma so-and-so at family Christmas.

Most families are lucky to have just one of these. I say “lucky”, because in my family, there’s three. Triple the average! They are set in their ways and very, VERY stubborn. I couldn’t even rank them on a scale from for you because, well, it just goes from bad to worse! Not bad people, but oh boy, do they like to nag. The worst offender of the three though, has to be my father. He repeats himself at least three times a conversation, and always talks about the same things. My mom picks up the phone to call me now that I’m at school simply because she misses me (sweet, I know) and wants to talk and catch up. My dad calls to “check in” but what that really means is that he wants to see if I’ve scheduled a meeting with 30 different people and asks if the people in the financial aid office know me by my first name yet (the answer to both is no). If he doesn’t like something I say, he then gets mad at my mom for always taking my side (this happened tonight, which is the reason for this post). Oh, we’re sorry you can’t see how frustrating you are.

He’s not one for small talk because he just gets straight to the point and doesn’t even bother to ask about my day. If he ever called me to just chat, I think I’d fall over in disbelief. I mean, it’s simple to talk about the weather I think, my mom and I often converse about this. That might be because she wants to rub her Oh-It’s-62-And-I-Need-A-Coat weather in my Yeah-It’s-25-Below-Zero-And-I’m-Still-Walking-To-Class weather. She and I joke, kid around, something my dad doesn’t understand. He thinks when we joke that we’re being serious and accuses us of starting drama. Clearly, someone might have been was born without a sense of humor.

Well dad, if you don’t laugh at yourself, nobody else will want to laugh with you, near you, or anywhere in the vicinity of you. You can’t take life too seriously. In order to survive life, you need a good sense of humor and some humble knees that aren’t afraid to pray. I’m sure my father has “good intentions” but all he does is frustrate me and make me forward his calls to voicemail.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Xoxo,

K.

One of those days

My last post was actually written a few days ago, but I didn’t post it until today, oops! Moving on now..

Well, today has just been one of those days. It starts off great but ends really poorly for one reason or another. Today was like that. I woke up feeling refreshed, still tired but refreshed, after a glorious 7 hours of sleep. That’s a record for me. My average is about 3 a night, horrible I know, but that’s the life of an engineer for you. I went through my 19 degree day peacefully. I was dressed all pretty for the first time in who knows how long. That was my way of saying thank you for no more below freezing temperatures. I walked from class to class alone almost every time, which is normal. I found quiet places to sit and work on homework on breaks in between classes and drank my Peace Tea and ate my protein bars on peace. I found myself later that day avoiding a person surveying students. I was sitting, working on my laptop with my headphones on, the universal sign for leave me alone.

But I took it a step further and walked around the ENTIRE building, hoping this person would not catch up to me and demand I answer their questions. After meeting with my engineering team, I went to the gym and ran my usual 2 miles and worked on the rowing machine for as long as my arms could bear. I returned to my room to find my roommate in a compromising situation. So naturally, I made a protein smoothie, grabbed my backpack and left for the laundry room where I’ve been camped out for the last…3 or so hours. Lately though, I’ve noticed myself not replying to peoples texts as often as I use to, denying making plans with friends so I could be alone, putting headphones in so I can tune people out. I’m on the 12 meal plan at school and have only used 2 of them this week. It is now Thursday. This is by no means healthy and I know it.

I was overcome with homesickness and sadness tonight, wanting to bawl my eyes out at Joe Nichols’ song Sunny and 75. It made me think of home and the people there and how much I miss it and them. These are the days I know I should turn to scripture to help myself out of this. But I don’t for some reason. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to be a better Christian. Pray more often, read the bible everyday, go to church every week, give thanks to my Father above. I’m not proud to say that I haven’t been doing these things so well. The things I know that could help me, I don’t reach for and I don’t know why. I’m in a fog. Trapped in the world of unhappiness I am creating for myself.

Writing this was the first step for me. The first step to healing, I guess. I don’t want to be a form of fake happy for you, for myself, for anyone, which is why I decided to write this. I want to be open and share, because I know it’ll be good for me as well. I’m taking a step in the right direction I hope believe. It’s a journey. Thanks for walking it with me.

Xoxo,

K.

What defines me

Hey all!

I decided to title my blog “We Are What Defines Us” for a few reasons. It’s a weird title, I know, but hear me out. I was sitting at my desk in my dorm room, taking a break after battling with my Physics homework (the worst!) for the longest time, and sat there thinking about what made me different from anyone else. I’ve been a lot of things in my life: the smart girl, the tall girl, the tomboy, the socially awkward girl–wait I’m still that girl, the perfect girl, the girl who wore too much black eyeliner, the athletic girl, the golf girl– the list could keep going. There’s a common theme among all these “things” I’ve been: I was always defined by what I did, the grades I got, how much make-up I chose to wear, even my height (I’m 5’9″ by the way). What struck me the most, was that this is how the world saw me, or at least that’s what I was to the world. We can try all we want to fight labels, but we’ll just get labeled as crazy or anything of the like. No matter what, we will ALWAYS be subject to labels. Instead of going on about how tainted and distorted society is, I’ve come to terms with it. I know I’ll be labeled. I will be what the world defines me as. Stop. Before you start thinking that I’ve succumbed to defeat based off my last statement , let me assure you I have not. I am what defines me, and what defines me will always be subject to a label. So why not be the best version of me that there is? Who I am and what I decide to do with my life is the definition of me. The thing about it, is that I am so many things that I can’t just be thrown on to a pile of stereotypes with others who fit the same stereotype that I do. I am me, and I am darn proud of that.

So who is me, you ask? Well here, let me define myself for you:

I am Kate. I am Kaitie. I am also Kaitlin. My name depends on who I’m with. I’m well above the average height of a female. I’m a Freshman engineering major at Purdue who doesn’t get as nearly enough sleep as I should. I am doing paid undergraduate research with one of my favorite professors and it’s wonderful. I love that job more than anything. I’m an abnormally healthy eater who loves to run and watch Netflix (anything to not do homework)! I have a large, crazy family whom I love dearly and a boyfriend that I am promised too. Now, I know that sounds medieval, but I assure you that’s not the case. We exchanged promise rings before I left again for school. I love him dearly as well. For his sake, I won’t give his name, so we’ll call him C. Our story is too long to tell right now, but I’d be happy to tell it some other time; it’s a great one! I’m a California, struggling my way through a mid-western winter. Temperatures below zero were not in my vocabulary before I moved here. I’m a follower of God, who’s faith is being tested and religion is a little bit of everything. I’m a sister of Phi Sigma Rho who loves watching football.

That’s enough about me for now, as I’m sure you’ll learn a lot of things about me later on in my blog. I decided to write this blog as a way of release, therapy, comfort. Sometimes it’s easier to write than talk. Easier to read than write, easier to love than lose. When I can’t express myself the way I want verbally, I turn to writing. So welcome. Welcome to my life, my trials, my adventure.  You get to see it all. Nothing but raw, full fledged, unadulterated emotions. I hope that my writing not only helps me, but helps others as well. Helps others feel they can relate to me, help others to know that someone has been there and knows what they’re going through. I’ve been there. We’ve all been there.

Xoxo,

K.