college

Where do I Even Begin

Have you ever walked into a room and felt at home? Have you ever walked into a room and felt you didn’t belong? Have you ever walked into a room and felt both? At the same time? Because I have. Today, when we were inducting our new pledge class, I walked into a chapter room full of sorority sisters. I scanned their faces for someone I knew a bit better than a stranger. Eyes looked up at me from the floor where they were sitting. I found a sister in the far corner and went to join her. I sat down and that was pretty much it. I sat silent, looking around the room at my sisters, laughing, talking with each other. How I wanted someone, anyone to start talking to me. I sat there amongst a sea of what was a family here to me at school and I felt so alone. I felt so out of the loop, so unimportant. I don’t live near any of the girls in my pledge class. I’m not one for partying, going out or drinking. So I get skipped over, forgotten almost. When I’m around my sisters in an environment where there is a fun environment, I can put myself out there more and be happy and laugh along with the rest of them, like last night. I was the champion of the three legged race and made my sisters laugh because of the jokes and dumb things I said.

I woke up this morning and looked at my phone, at the text message I had missed and the name of who was calling me at such an early hour (8:40 am, way too early for me). I hit ignore and wanted so badly to go back to sleep, but sadly I couldn’t. I had to be at the sorority house by 9 and my ride was going to be at my dorm in 5 minutes. Once at the house, I sat in the kitchen and saw my sisters sitting around talking, waiting for the induction to get underway. I tried talking to my sisters, but felt little connection, so I sat by myself, texting C and praying he would answer (I knew he wouldn’t because of the three hour time difference between us).

My sisters mean the world to me and I would do anything for them. At the same time though, I feel like I’m so disconnected from them, from everyone. I don’t know if it’s just the rain, the cold weather, or the distance between me and those I love, but I can’t help but feel like an outsider. Sisters have asked what’s going on and I give them all the same answer: I’m just tired. And they leave it at that. Some sisters I have told about my not really eating or sleeping, and they’ve checked in with me to make sure I’m actually okay. Again, I just say that I’m tired.

It’s like I’ve lost my passion. I decided not to go to my sorority Crush Dance on the 15th for many reasons: 1. I hate dancing 2. My date is in California (C. this is you!), 3. I asked my friend Jake to go with me as a friend, but I knew it wouldn’t be fair to him to be there with me, when I really didn’t want to be there in the first place. I didn’t get excited about bid night, about bringing in a new pledge class to our house, about induction. I didn’t sign up to do crafts with the new girls, I didn’t sign up to be a mentor to the new girls, I didn’t even want to stay at the house after induction. Yet here I sit, in the sorority kitchen, listening country music, writing a blog post, only because I felt that being here was an obligation. I view most things as obligations lately, which is horrible. The only thing that sounds fun to me is being alone in my room where I can watch Netflix and Skype C. I’ve gotten used to being alone, so it doesn’t really bother me anymore. In fact, I think I prefer it.

Have a great Saturday!

Xoxo,

K.