My last post was actually written a few days ago, but I didn’t post it until today, oops! Moving on now..
Well, today has just been one of those days. It starts off great but ends really poorly for one reason or another. Today was like that. I woke up feeling refreshed, still tired but refreshed, after a glorious 7 hours of sleep. That’s a record for me. My average is about 3 a night, horrible I know, but that’s the life of an engineer for you. I went through my 19 degree day peacefully. I was dressed all pretty for the first time in who knows how long. That was my way of saying thank you for no more below freezing temperatures. I walked from class to class alone almost every time, which is normal. I found quiet places to sit and work on homework on breaks in between classes and drank my Peace Tea and ate my protein bars on peace. I found myself later that day avoiding a person surveying students. I was sitting, working on my laptop with my headphones on, the universal sign for leave me alone.
But I took it a step further and walked around the ENTIRE building, hoping this person would not catch up to me and demand I answer their questions. After meeting with my engineering team, I went to the gym and ran my usual 2 miles and worked on the rowing machine for as long as my arms could bear. I returned to my room to find my roommate in a compromising situation. So naturally, I made a protein smoothie, grabbed my backpack and left for the laundry room where I’ve been camped out for the last…3 or so hours. Lately though, I’ve noticed myself not replying to peoples texts as often as I use to, denying making plans with friends so I could be alone, putting headphones in so I can tune people out. I’m on the 12 meal plan at school and have only used 2 of them this week. It is now Thursday. This is by no means healthy and I know it.
I was overcome with homesickness and sadness tonight, wanting to bawl my eyes out at Joe Nichols’ song Sunny and 75. It made me think of home and the people there and how much I miss it and them. These are the days I know I should turn to scripture to help myself out of this. But I don’t for some reason. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to be a better Christian. Pray more often, read the bible everyday, go to church every week, give thanks to my Father above. I’m not proud to say that I haven’t been doing these things so well. The things I know that could help me, I don’t reach for and I don’t know why. I’m in a fog. Trapped in the world of unhappiness I am creating for myself.
Writing this was the first step for me. The first step to healing, I guess. I don’t want to be a form of fake happy for you, for myself, for anyone, which is why I decided to write this. I want to be open and share, because I know it’ll be good for me as well. I’m taking a step in the right direction I
hope believe. It’s a journey. Thanks for walking it with me.